Nice to Meet You!

 It's likely no one will ever read this blog. I'm really doing it more for me, than anything. But just in case anyone does, here's a little about me.

I'm 41, soon to be 42 in April. I'm an empty nester with a 22 year old daughter, who's living across the country and thriving. I have one dog and two cats. I own a successful pet sitting business and live in a little townhouse in the suburbs. 

I'll sum up my relationship background as quickly as possible. I was in a relationship from 23 to 34, yes that's right, 11 years. For all of those 11 years I wanted to get married. We bought a house after two years together, but there was no ring until year ten. And to be honest, by the time he proposed I already knew it was over. We were just never a good match. Although sometimes I wonder if I hadn't have had all that resentment over getting married, maybe we'd have been ok. Suffice to say, we finally called it quits for good after 11 years.

I quickly discovered dating was a good distraction to get me out of the incredible depression I was in over this relationship ending. My mind was definitely not working correctly and I did some crazy ass shit that first year of dating. I mean, I could tell some STORIES. But they would not leave you with a great impression of me. 

About a year later I met someone, we'll call him Matt because that was his name. That was a fun relationship and we had a blast together! He was four years younger than me. We met on tinder. It ended when he took a job opportunity in LA. I quickly realized I was not cut out for long distance. I was devastated, once again. Let me add in real quick that about a week before he left for LA, I found out on Facebook that my ex got married. Yep, the guy that took ten years to propose to me, got married less than two years after we broke up.

When Matt left I once again turned to the apps for a distraction. Not quite so determinedly, maybe, but still, it was my immediate reaction to being single again. 

Once again I met someone and this time it seemed like the real deal. I'd been single for three years and felt like I was in a really good place, comfortable with myself and happy. I'd dated that whole entire three years, had a few month or two long relationships, but no one I'd call a boyfriend. 

Adam and I were head over heels for each other after the first date. We spent almost the entire first week together every day. Within three weeks we'd said we were in love and were flying to Florida for a weekend vacation. When we got back from Florida we booked a trip to St Thomas for my 40th birthday.

Since this blog is about taking a break from dating, I'll summarize; Adam and I broke up eighteen months later. I broke it off for various reasons, but mostly because I realized it wasn't going to end in marriage, and I don't want anything less than that. I want someone to choose me to walk through life together. 

Within 3 weeks I was back on the apps. I was fully aware I was using them as a distraction but it was better than sitting at home and moping. I've met a few cool people, but nothing has really worked out. I came home from a mediocre date yesterday in tears. When am I going to meet my person? I'd also had two recent let downs, with guys I'd been really interested in, but hadn't reciprocated for no clear reason. Adam and I will have been broken up a year in May, and I'd be lying if I said my age isn't getting to me.  

The thing is, I'm good at dating. I know I'm lucky that way. If I want to really devote time to the apps, I can line up one or two dates/week. But when I don't have any irons in the fire, I get a feeling of desperation. As long as I'm talking to someone, I am ok. It's not just the dating, it's the attention. It's having someone to text on nights home alone. I use the constant conversation and the swiping so I don't get depressed that this is my life. I've known this for awhile. That's when it hit me. I've got to figure out a way to be ok with myself, by myself. 

So, I'm taking a break. No more apps and no more swiping until April 1st. I'm not going to lie, it's scary. I worry I'll get depressed and have nothing to look forward to. My goal is to find a better balance and to stop using outside stimuli to feel better on the inside. I'll write on here to get my feelings out during the process. Let's just see what happens.